Stretched Thin

Why is it always me? Why is it that every time I try to make things right or try to even begin to care, something always happens, and I shut down all over again? I mean, all the things I do and say, and everything I do to show that I care, it all gets ignored and is threatened to be broken forever by hurtful words and halfhearted apologies. Forgive and forget, they say. Obviously, those people have never been hurt deeply enough and repeatedly enough to understand how hard that is. Apparently, I'm the perfect scapegoat whenever someone feels frustrated enough they feel the need to take it out on someone. I've been stretched so much this entire year, that tonight I just felt something in me break, shatter actually. I knew because as the tears fell down my face, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing, not even a hint of sadness. Maybe a hint of anger, but other than that, complete and utter apathy. Numbness. How much can a person take before they finally break. Apparently, I've found that breaking point. And, what's worse, every time I try to defend myself, or stand up for what I believe in or my morals, I just get ignored and told that "I have an attitude that needs correcting." After awhile, you know, trying to be a caring and loving person, but all I get is harsh words and sentiments. Pulling me in so many different directions, all I can do is just hope that one day I don't shatter completely. My heart is hidden in my chest now. It used to be out in the open, and I could reveal it to anyone without any consequence. But, now I realize now that there is a great consequence, and I need to hide my heart in order to avoid it being broken again. Maybe, in time, if they can see me past the hurt and the anger, they can find my heart again. And maybe, I'll choose to show it to them. I don't know yet. I've been misunderstood and judged so many times, it's hard to know if, as of right now, I'll ever let that side of me show again. Maybe, I need to go, get away by myself for awhile. I can't take it. I discovered that I can be strong if I wanted to, that I can be untouchable and independent, if only I could remove that air of naivety away from myself. I could be distant and aloof and be ME and not get judged for my sense of caring and support, and the values that I have come to associate myself with. Maybe, if they really knew me, if they'd just learn to talk to me, they'd know that something was a little bit off. That every time I spoke my voice had no intonation in it. Just speaking, almost in a monotone, which is not me. But, I hope for too much don't I? Heh. Maybe, just a little bit. They'd know, if they'd listen to me the reasons why I listen to the music that I do. That each artist represents a certain time in my life, or the emotions I was feeling at that given point and time, maybe they'd see the real me. But, until then, I guess I'm sorta living in a facade, then. If it keeps me from getting hurt, then so be it. But, I refuse, REFUSE, to go on pretending like I can keep getting up from the hurt unscathed, when really I'm left with so many scars and bruises that they can't see, or at least refuse to. I'm hiding, I know it, but it's ok to me because hiding is where I'm safe for now, and if I'm safe, then my heart is safe, and I can keep it from ever enduring harm again.

~Keria P.