I'm pissed...

I need to go off on a personal tangent right quick. You ever felt like people just do not listen to you? Like the louder you yell, the less they listen? Well, that's how I feel every f***ing day. No one likes to listen to me and you know what? I am f***ing tired of being ignored. I'm tired of people brushing me off like it's nothing. I have something to say and damn it, you're gonna listen! I'm a chill kind of person and things don't get to me very often. I can often think things through with a level head and not get too upset about it.

That being said, I have a few hot buttons. I can go from 0 to 100 if those hot buttons are pressed. Like this whole, 'You're a bum. You don't do a damn thing around here. Stop being a bum.' thing. That gets me so hot, so quick. Like I'm the one that does the most around here. I can't say that though. If I do, I just get some sort of sarcastic response. Like 'Yeah, you do. The minimum, but you do.' OH REALLY?! The minimum. The f***ing minimum?! So after all of the things that I do and everything I go through on a daily basis trying to make other people happy even if I may not have gotten time for little ol' me who doesn't really ask for much and tries her hardest to make sure everybody else is okay and everything is done around here, you're telling me that after all that, I'm still unappreciated? Well, okay. At least I know for sure now.

You know, awhile ago, I was really excited about the prospect of me moving out in about a year or so, because now I get to experience life on my own and see what the real world is like and all that jazz. But now? Now I just want to prove a f***ing point. That without me, everything else is going to hell in a basket. I know, I know. That's a little bit petty. But don't I deserve the right to be petty every once in a while? I think I do. Especially after all the shit I've been through. I think I do.

Anyway, I just had to get that off of my chest. I feel much better now. :)

Over and Over

So, yesterday, I dedicated the entire day to Three Days Grace. I listened to all of the albums in their entirety, and I watched some live shows on YouTube and just generally enjoyed the awesomeness that is Three Days Grace. I was listening to One-X and I had gotten to Over and Over and I realized just how much that song meant to me, and my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm thinking to myself, 'Oh my god. That is so me. This song is me.' I almost wanted to cry.

See, there was this guy that I really, really liked in high school and the feelings, to put it mildly, were unrequited. And despite knowing that it would never happen, I could not make the feelings go away. 

Over and over, over and over, I fall for you.

It sucked, for lack of a better word. I wanted to move on with my life but it felt as if I was stuck in an endless loop of heartbreak and I couldn't get out of it. I tried to push the feelings away, but every time I thought I'd gotten rid of them, they'd return with a vengeance. Why me?

So here I go again, chasing you down again, why do I do this?

I couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart wouldn't just disappear so I could go on with my life. I was miserable, and I was tired of it, but as I always say, the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't do anything about it.

I know what's best for me, but I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time.

I knew that eventually I had to give up on this if I ever wanted to be happy but I just could not help myself. You know how when you see that person you want more than anything, nothing else really matters? You just want them and nothing else? Yeah, that was me back then.

I love and hate this song all at the same time. I love it because, well, it's freaking awesome and it means something and is filled with all kinds of emotion and I love it. I hate it because I do not like thinking about that time in my life and this song sends me on a one-way trip back to then. I almost want to cry.

Over and over, over and over, you make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over, you don't even try to

Link to the song:

Welcome to Grown Up Life

Well, it's Wednesday, and I have been a college student for three days. So far, it hasn't been that bad, and I really enjoy my new school. I'm proud of myself because not once in the time I've been here have I gotten lost. *pats self on back* Anyway, all of my classes are cool and it's not like a billion and one people in there. I have room to breathe, thank God. I had always dreamed of this day, when I would be done with high school and be in college and most importantly, grown. I was ready to be done with high school and ready to be a self sufficient adult.

Well, I've got news for you. Being an adult sucks. Seriously, being grown is one of the most overhyped, overrated things in life. (High school is the second most overhyped.) You may think it's all great and you get to do whatever you want to because you're grown now and no one can tell you what to do. Well, you can't. You still have rules to follow just like when you were a kid. If you're in school, you've got homework to do and notes to take and papers to write and things like that. Not to mention constant worrying about the loans you've taken and will take to pay your tuition so you can make something of your life. So, besides the 'right now' things you've got to worry about, when you're done with school, immediately you have to find a job so you can pay the government back. So, even before you're a fully grown adult, you're already in debt. Yeah, you're grown, alright.

Even if you're not in school, you still have stuff to worry about. So, if you're one of the ones watching all your friends going off to college, and laughing at them because you don't have any loans, ha, ha, I've got news for you too. Being grown is not going to be a cake walk for you just because you're not in school. In fact, your life may be harder because you didn't go to school. Have fun finding a job with only a high school diploma. I'm just saying. Just because you're not in debt like the rest of us doesn't mean it's going to be easy for you.

I'm just going to assume you're going to want to move out of your parent's place. (There's where that job thing comes in again.) You're going to want an apartment and all that. So, then, you're going to have to deal with the evil known as rent. Have fun with that, by the way.

So, yeah, being an adult is not all that it's cracked up to be. You've got more stuff to deal with now than you ever did as a child. There are some perks, but there are some major downsides too. Adulthood is not just, 'I'm grown, so I'm just going to do whatever without any regard to anyone else'. That's not what it's about. Being an adult is about making grown up decisions and choosing grown up things. Like not skipping class. (GO TO CLASS!) Some people already know this, and some will learn it the hard way. But, if there's one thing that I know for sure, it's this....

Being an adult is overrated.

It Finally Hit Me...

So, I'm laying here in my bed trying to go to sleep cuz it's one am and really I should have been sleep two hours ago. But I can't cuz I'm just laying here listening to my iPod and thinking and reminiscing about high school. And while thinking, I realize something. I have something like a mini-epiphany about exactly why high school was just a little bit more difficult than it needed to be for me.

I didn't know exactly who I was in high school.

That's right. I had no freaking idea who the heck I was. And also, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. And again, that's because when I looked into the mirror everyday, I didn't know who the person was that was staring back at me. After four long years of a lot of heartache and homework, I finally know who I am and can now say that I am completely comfortable with who I am and what I am.
Freshman year, I was as awkward as you could possibly expect. I was adjusting, and I think I did pretty well the first year. It was still kinda confusing, and I was kinda (a lot) shy some. I didn't speak up and I definitely didn't talk to people I didn't know. That was just not who I was, or at the very least that's not who I thought I was. I was a dedicated student who didn't do anything outside of classwork and homework. Making friends was not part of the agenda. I mean it was nice sure, but I thought that I'd just be a loner, I was better off that way anyway.

Turns out, I was a slacker just like everybody else. Dedicated, quiet, shy student was not me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still kind of shy in certain situations, but now I'm more willing to speak my mind and make myself known.

Sophomore year, I don't even know. I guess I was starting to fit in and everything was looking better for me. I still was quiet and people sometimes didn't realize I was in the room, but I thought I liked it that way. I was a 'people watcher'. Which is just a fancy way of saying I was kinda lonely but didn't want to admit it. I tried harder to make myself known (didn't work), but I felt like I was getting the hang of this thing though. I call sophomore year my awkward growth phase, because that was the year when I was really starting to grow and maybe starting to figure out who I was.

Junior year. Oh, junior year. That was a rough time for me, school wise, and in my personal life. That year I got thrown for a loop and I found myself questioning everything. So by second semester I found that I just didn't give a crap anymore. About anything. School, family, friends. Nothing. Nothing mattered. I found myself staring into a giant brick wall of apathy and I didn't want to do a thing about it. But, 'I-don't-give-a-crap-screw-you-screw-this' rebel was not me either.

I actually didn't figure it out until second semester of senior year. Of course, I hadn't realized I had finally figured it out, but that's beside the point. Do you know how I know I figured it out then? Because for the first time in three in a half years of high school, I. WAS. HAPPY. I was happy. I liked coming to school. I liked being in class. I liked school. It was part of the things that made me happy.

Anyways, now that I've graduated and am getting ready for college, I can finally tell you who I am.
My name is Rakeria, I like really loud, heavy rock music (along with hip hop/rnb), I like to write short stories, reading makes me happy, sometimes I do actually like math and science, I can be shy sometimes, I love to laugh and be retarded, sometimes I don't like being quiet all of the time, and I actually am really loud sometimes, and most of all, I am finally comfortable with all of the above. And that's all that matters.

Here I Come, World!!

So, it finally happened. I graduated high school. I am a high school graduate. Let that sink in for a moment. Wow. It feels like yesterday I was that awkward freshman girl, and now I have graduated high school. Huh. Time goes by so fast.

Anyways, now it's the summer and so far, things have been pretty chill for me. Just been relaxing and stuff, while trying to get my shit together for college. Which I am so excited for, by the way. First day of class is August 20. You'd think I'd be nervous, right? Nope. All there is is excitement. I'm ready for this. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to start. For the first time in like ever, I find myself wishing that summer would be over already. (Crazy, right?) I want to get there and I want to start so I can do something with my life. I'm about to be a college student. I'm ready for life and everything it has to offer.

The world better be ready for me. Because now that I've finally figured out who I am and where I want to go  in life and what I want to do, you best believe I'm not gonna let anything stop me from doing that and being the person I wanna be. So, here I come, world! I hope you're ready.

Interracial Couples

So, we're in anatomy and we're talking about interracial couples and if your parents would have a problem with it. One thing you should know about me is that I. Don't. Discriminate. Seriously. I will date someone of any race. Period. It's really stupid to discriminate against one race because 1) it limits your options. Why would you    EVER do such a thing? 2) Its a very narrow minded thing and it screams that you're still living in the past.

I just feel like you should try to find someone who makes you happy, no matter what race they are. Heh, I kept telling my mama that I was gonna marry a white guy (I still do wanna marry one. Don't care what anybody says). But, despite my favoritism towards white guys, I still like guys of other races. I'm not gonna date just white guys and hope to find the right one. I'm gonna date a plethora of guys and the one I like the best, hey, we'll see what happens.

Some people don't like it and to those people I say, Eff you! Quite frankly, your opinion doesn't count and you're just angry that you can't find anyone and bitter about your lack of a love life. So there. If you don't like it, you can take your close minded opinion and shove it up your ass. Here's a memo if you haven't gotten it yet: This is not the 60s anymore, it's 2012. Get with the program.

Freshman Me Was An IDIOT!

I was sitting here, going back and reading some of my old posts here on this lovely blog. And I realize several things:

1. Freshman Me really was an idiot.
A shy, clueless idiot. Yup. That was me. If Freshman Me knew then what Senior Me knows now, my high school life could have been completely different. Like if a certain incident on 300 hall never happened, I probably could have kept a close friend close. When I look back over that one, singular moment, I wish Senior Me would've ran in right then and told Freshman Me that the whole idea behind it was really, really, really stupid. Like stupid with a capital S. Like why would I even consider such a thing now? Oh right, I wouldn't because that'd be stupid. Why did I even let her talk me into doing that? Oh yeah, cuz Freshman Me was an idiot.

 2. Up until the end of 2011, I was an emotional, sappy ass kid.
*sigh* There's no way I can really explain this without embarrassing myself. But, dang, those times were hard. For me, at least. But even then, could have been completely avoidable. If only at that time I was less fragile like I am now. I was back then, for lack of a better term, a punk ass bitch. So many things got under my skin back then. And I was still growing into myself, and still had a LOT of insecurities to deal with. Plus there was that other thing (see old emotional ass posts for clarification) that I was dealing with that was ALSO completely avoidable now that I think about it. I was just such a sap. Really. Glad I grew out of that (for the most part).

3. Senior Me knows better now.
In the past year and a half, I've learned a LOT. And I've grown. A lot. As a friend, as a student, as a person. If senior year hadn't happened like it happened, I promise you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. If I hadn't gotten out of magnet, I guarantee you I'd still be that emotional, shy, stressed idiot. The people that I've been around this year have helped bring out part of my true personality that I don't show to many people (and that magnet tried to stuff away). Not the shy, quiet, dedicated student, but the loud, outgoing, happy person. The one that loves to laugh and just generally act retarded. That one. It's been a good year so far, and if it hadn't happened like it did you'd probably be looking at a different person right now.

Life

Life is hard sometimes

It hurts, it throws you for a loop

It twists and turns, spins and whirls

You never know what's going to happen

Life is fun sometimes, though

It's happy and carefree and lively

Basking in the joy that it brings

There's so many different facets of life

From one thing to the next, it's always something new

Expect the unexpected, it's a motto for life

And life has lessons to learn sometimes

The things life throws at us makes us better people

Help shape the people we become

Life has so many things in it

Joy, sorrow, pain, laughter

It's all apart of life

They say life is the biggest game you'll ever play

And if you win, the reward is great

My advice to you is to just keep playing

Survive the hardships, play your game right

Never forfeit the game

And you'll never regret it

Because life is rewarding sometimes

Change

I have come to realize something about myself. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I don't like change. At all. Even if it's the slightest change, I find myself resisting it. I just do not like changes. Now, I'm about to go through one of the biggest changes in my life. I'm about to graduate high school. Everything is about to change. Drastically. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I won't see the same people everyday and there's a good chance that I won't be at the same school as most of my friends. I'm probably gonna end up alone and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm excited at the same time. I'm ready to go out there and do things with my life. To do that though, I'm gonna have to get over my irrational fear of things changing and moving forward. To progress in life we have to change anyway right? So I don't understand what it is about me that resists change so much. Is it because I like things the way they are? I don't want to have to start over from the beginning. But as much as I resist and shy away from change, I understand that it is necessary. Necessary for us so we don't become stagnant and stale.

*sigh* Going away to college is probably going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Because it'll involve some of the biggest changes of my life if I want to be successful. I can change, it's just going to be hard. At some point, I have to realize that this year is going to be the last time I'm going to see some of the people at my school. I'm gonna miss some people and who knows? Maybe I still see some familiar faces in college too. We won't know until we get there. Despite all my misgivings about change and college and all that, I'm excited. It's a kind of nervous, anxious excitement that probably won't subside until I finally walk across that stage, get my diploma, and actually start college. I actually can't wait. But that's months from now. (Actually not a long time from now.) And besides, I have other, more pressing issues to deal with. Like prom. That's only like a month and a half away from now. I so can't wait for that. (It's at the OMNI.) These last couple of months are gonna be so exciting.