So, I'm laying here in my bed trying to go to sleep cuz it's one am and really I should have been sleep two hours ago. But I can't cuz I'm just laying here listening to my iPod and thinking and reminiscing about high school. And while thinking, I realize something. I have something like a mini-epiphany about exactly why high school was just a little bit more difficult than it needed to be for me.
I didn't know exactly who I was in high school.
That's right. I had no freaking idea who the heck I was. And also, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. And again, that's because when I looked into the mirror everyday, I didn't know who the person was that was staring back at me. After four long years of a lot of heartache and homework, I finally know who I am and can now say that I am completely comfortable with who I am and what I am.
Freshman year, I was as awkward as you could possibly expect. I was adjusting, and I think I did pretty well the first year. It was still kinda confusing, and I was kinda (a lot) shy some. I didn't speak up and I definitely didn't talk to people I didn't know. That was just not who I was, or at the very least that's not who I thought I was. I was a dedicated student who didn't do anything outside of classwork and homework. Making friends was not part of the agenda. I mean it was nice sure, but I thought that I'd just be a loner, I was better off that way anyway.
Turns out, I was a slacker just like everybody else. Dedicated, quiet, shy student was not me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still kind of shy in certain situations, but now I'm more willing to speak my mind and make myself known.
Sophomore year, I don't even know. I guess I was starting to fit in and everything was looking better for me. I still was quiet and people sometimes didn't realize I was in the room, but I thought I liked it that way. I was a 'people watcher'. Which is just a fancy way of saying I was kinda lonely but didn't want to admit it. I tried harder to make myself known (didn't work), but I felt like I was getting the hang of this thing though. I call sophomore year my awkward growth phase, because that was the year when I was really starting to grow and maybe starting to figure out who I was.
Junior year. Oh, junior year. That was a rough time for me, school wise, and in my personal life. That year I got thrown for a loop and I found myself questioning everything. So by second semester I found that I just didn't give a crap anymore. About anything. School, family, friends. Nothing. Nothing mattered. I found myself staring into a giant brick wall of apathy and I didn't want to do a thing about it. But, 'I-don't-give-a-crap-screw-you-screw-this' rebel was not me either.
I actually didn't figure it out until second semester of senior year. Of course, I hadn't realized I had finally figured it out, but that's beside the point. Do you know how I know I figured it out then? Because for the first time in three in a half years of high school, I. WAS. HAPPY. I was happy. I liked coming to school. I liked being in class. I liked school. It was part of the things that made me happy.
Anyways, now that I've graduated and am getting ready for college, I can finally tell you who I am.
My name is Rakeria, I like really loud, heavy rock music (along with hip hop/rnb), I like to write short stories, reading makes me happy, sometimes I do actually like math and science, I can be shy sometimes, I love to laugh and be retarded, sometimes I don't like being quiet all of the time, and I actually am really loud sometimes, and most of all, I am finally comfortable with all of the above. And that's all that matters.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Here I Come, World!!
So, it finally happened. I graduated high school. I am a high school graduate. Let that sink in for a moment. Wow. It feels like yesterday I was that awkward freshman girl, and now I have graduated high school. Huh. Time goes by so fast.
Anyways, now it's the summer and so far, things have been pretty chill for me. Just been relaxing and stuff, while trying to get my shit together for college. Which I am so excited for, by the way. First day of class is August 20. You'd think I'd be nervous, right? Nope. All there is is excitement. I'm ready for this. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to start. For the first time in like ever, I find myself wishing that summer would be over already. (Crazy, right?) I want to get there and I want to start so I can do something with my life. I'm about to be a college student. I'm ready for life and everything it has to offer.
The world better be ready for me. Because now that I've finally figured out who I am and where I want to go in life and what I want to do, you best believe I'm not gonna let anything stop me from doing that and being the person I wanna be. So, here I come, world! I hope you're ready.
Anyways, now it's the summer and so far, things have been pretty chill for me. Just been relaxing and stuff, while trying to get my shit together for college. Which I am so excited for, by the way. First day of class is August 20. You'd think I'd be nervous, right? Nope. All there is is excitement. I'm ready for this. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to start. For the first time in like ever, I find myself wishing that summer would be over already. (Crazy, right?) I want to get there and I want to start so I can do something with my life. I'm about to be a college student. I'm ready for life and everything it has to offer.
The world better be ready for me. Because now that I've finally figured out who I am and where I want to go in life and what I want to do, you best believe I'm not gonna let anything stop me from doing that and being the person I wanna be. So, here I come, world! I hope you're ready.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Interracial Couples
So, we're in anatomy and we're talking about interracial couples and if your parents would have a problem with it. One thing you should know about me is that I. Don't. Discriminate. Seriously. I will date someone of any race. Period. It's really stupid to discriminate against one race because 1) it limits your options. Why would you EVER do such a thing? 2) Its a very narrow minded thing and it screams that you're still living in the past.
I just feel like you should try to find someone who makes you happy, no matter what race they are. Heh, I kept telling my mama that I was gonna marry a white guy (I still do wanna marry one. Don't care what anybody says). But, despite my favoritism towards white guys, I still like guys of other races. I'm not gonna date just white guys and hope to find the right one. I'm gonna date a plethora of guys and the one I like the best, hey, we'll see what happens.
Some people don't like it and to those people I say, Eff you! Quite frankly, your opinion doesn't count and you're just angry that you can't find anyone and bitter about your lack of a love life. So there. If you don't like it, you can take your close minded opinion and shove it up your ass. Here's a memo if you haven't gotten it yet: This is not the 60s anymore, it's 2012. Get with the program.
I just feel like you should try to find someone who makes you happy, no matter what race they are. Heh, I kept telling my mama that I was gonna marry a white guy (I still do wanna marry one. Don't care what anybody says). But, despite my favoritism towards white guys, I still like guys of other races. I'm not gonna date just white guys and hope to find the right one. I'm gonna date a plethora of guys and the one I like the best, hey, we'll see what happens.
Some people don't like it and to those people I say, Eff you! Quite frankly, your opinion doesn't count and you're just angry that you can't find anyone and bitter about your lack of a love life. So there. If you don't like it, you can take your close minded opinion and shove it up your ass. Here's a memo if you haven't gotten it yet: This is not the 60s anymore, it's 2012. Get with the program.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Freshman Me Was An IDIOT!
I was sitting here, going back and reading some of my old posts here on this lovely blog. And I realize several things:
1. Freshman Me really was an idiot.
A shy, clueless idiot. Yup. That was me. If Freshman Me knew then what Senior Me knows now, my high school life could have been completely different. Like if a certain incident on 300 hall never happened, I probably could have kept a close friend close. When I look back over that one, singular moment, I wish Senior Me would've ran in right then and told Freshman Me that the whole idea behind it was really, really, really stupid. Like stupid with a capital S. Like why would I even consider such a thing now? Oh right, I wouldn't because that'd be stupid. Why did I even let her talk me into doing that? Oh yeah, cuz Freshman Me was an idiot.
2. Up until the end of 2011, I was an emotional, sappy ass kid.
*sigh* There's no way I can really explain this without embarrassing myself. But, dang, those times were hard. For me, at least. But even then, could have been completely avoidable. If only at that time I was less fragile like I am now. I was back then, for lack of a better term, a punk ass bitch. So many things got under my skin back then. And I was still growing into myself, and still had a LOT of insecurities to deal with. Plus there was that other thing (see old emotional ass posts for clarification) that I was dealing with that was ALSO completely avoidable now that I think about it. I was just such a sap. Really. Glad I grew out of that (for the most part).
3. Senior Me knows better now.
In the past year and a half, I've learned a LOT. And I've grown. A lot. As a friend, as a student, as a person. If senior year hadn't happened like it happened, I promise you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. If I hadn't gotten out of magnet, I guarantee you I'd still be that emotional, shy, stressed idiot. The people that I've been around this year have helped bring out part of my true personality that I don't show to many people (and that magnet tried to stuff away). Not the shy, quiet, dedicated student, but the loud, outgoing, happy person. The one that loves to laugh and just generally act retarded. That one. It's been a good year so far, and if it hadn't happened like it did you'd probably be looking at a different person right now.
1. Freshman Me really was an idiot.
A shy, clueless idiot. Yup. That was me. If Freshman Me knew then what Senior Me knows now, my high school life could have been completely different. Like if a certain incident on 300 hall never happened, I probably could have kept a close friend close. When I look back over that one, singular moment, I wish Senior Me would've ran in right then and told Freshman Me that the whole idea behind it was really, really, really stupid. Like stupid with a capital S. Like why would I even consider such a thing now? Oh right, I wouldn't because that'd be stupid. Why did I even let her talk me into doing that? Oh yeah, cuz Freshman Me was an idiot.
2. Up until the end of 2011, I was an emotional, sappy ass kid.
*sigh* There's no way I can really explain this without embarrassing myself. But, dang, those times were hard. For me, at least. But even then, could have been completely avoidable. If only at that time I was less fragile like I am now. I was back then, for lack of a better term, a punk ass bitch. So many things got under my skin back then. And I was still growing into myself, and still had a LOT of insecurities to deal with. Plus there was that other thing (see old emotional ass posts for clarification) that I was dealing with that was ALSO completely avoidable now that I think about it. I was just such a sap. Really. Glad I grew out of that (for the most part).
3. Senior Me knows better now.
In the past year and a half, I've learned a LOT. And I've grown. A lot. As a friend, as a student, as a person. If senior year hadn't happened like it happened, I promise you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. If I hadn't gotten out of magnet, I guarantee you I'd still be that emotional, shy, stressed idiot. The people that I've been around this year have helped bring out part of my true personality that I don't show to many people (and that magnet tried to stuff away). Not the shy, quiet, dedicated student, but the loud, outgoing, happy person. The one that loves to laugh and just generally act retarded. That one. It's been a good year so far, and if it hadn't happened like it did you'd probably be looking at a different person right now.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Life
Life is hard sometimes
It hurts, it throws you for a loop
It twists and turns, spins and whirls
You never know what's going to happen
Life is fun sometimes, though
It's happy and carefree and lively
Basking in the joy that it brings
There's so many different facets of life
From one thing to the next, it's always something new
Expect the unexpected, it's a motto for life
And life has lessons to learn sometimes
The things life throws at us makes us better people
Help shape the people we become
Life has so many things in it
Joy, sorrow, pain, laughter
It's all apart of life
They say life is the biggest game you'll ever play
And if you win, the reward is great
My advice to you is to just keep playing
Survive the hardships, play your game right
Never forfeit the game
And you'll never regret it
Because life is rewarding sometimes
Monday, March 5, 2012
Change
I have come to realize something about myself. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I don't like change. At all. Even if it's the slightest change, I find myself resisting it. I just do not like changes. Now, I'm about to go through one of the biggest changes in my life. I'm about to graduate high school. Everything is about to change. Drastically. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I won't see the same people everyday and there's a good chance that I won't be at the same school as most of my friends. I'm probably gonna end up alone and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm excited at the same time. I'm ready to go out there and do things with my life. To do that though, I'm gonna have to get over my irrational fear of things changing and moving forward. To progress in life we have to change anyway right? So I don't understand what it is about me that resists change so much. Is it because I like things the way they are? I don't want to have to start over from the beginning. But as much as I resist and shy away from change, I understand that it is necessary. Necessary for us so we don't become stagnant and stale.
*sigh* Going away to college is probably going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Because it'll involve some of the biggest changes of my life if I want to be successful. I can change, it's just going to be hard. At some point, I have to realize that this year is going to be the last time I'm going to see some of the people at my school. I'm gonna miss some people and who knows? Maybe I still see some familiar faces in college too. We won't know until we get there. Despite all my misgivings about change and college and all that, I'm excited. It's a kind of nervous, anxious excitement that probably won't subside until I finally walk across that stage, get my diploma, and actually start college. I actually can't wait. But that's months from now. (Actually not a long time from now.) And besides, I have other, more pressing issues to deal with. Like prom. That's only like a month and a half away from now. I so can't wait for that. (It's at the OMNI.) These last couple of months are gonna be so exciting.
*sigh* Going away to college is probably going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Because it'll involve some of the biggest changes of my life if I want to be successful. I can change, it's just going to be hard. At some point, I have to realize that this year is going to be the last time I'm going to see some of the people at my school. I'm gonna miss some people and who knows? Maybe I still see some familiar faces in college too. We won't know until we get there. Despite all my misgivings about change and college and all that, I'm excited. It's a kind of nervous, anxious excitement that probably won't subside until I finally walk across that stage, get my diploma, and actually start college. I actually can't wait. But that's months from now. (Actually not a long time from now.) And besides, I have other, more pressing issues to deal with. Like prom. That's only like a month and a half away from now. I so can't wait for that. (It's at the OMNI.) These last couple of months are gonna be so exciting.
Friday, December 30, 2011
OMG, It's 2012!
There is only one day left in 2011. Think about that. Let it really sink in. That means in about 24-ish hours, it will be 2012. That means that I will be that much closer to graduation and starting a new life as a young adult. And it also means a whole new year to do things right and not to screw this year up. A time for renewal and reinventing yourself and trying to become a better person. It's time to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Time to let go of things that have been holding us back in 2011 and be free and liberated in 2012.
Time to get rid of the bad things and habits that have been plaguing you this entire year. I, for one, am trying to leave things behind me that I don't need. I'm going to try to leave behind the hurt from this year and all the insecurities that have been bothering me my entire life. I'm dedicating this year to reinventing myself and doing a major personality overhaul. There's some things that I have been holding onto that have been detrimental to my success and maturity as a person and I'm gonna let all of that go in the next 24 hours. I'm starting fresh this year. I don't want anything holding me back as I move into the next stage of my life. I'm ready for change. I'm tired of the same old stuff haunting me and following me throughout my life. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And the final semester of my senior year is the perfect time to get rid of it all. I can't have that kind of stuff with me as I get ready to head off to college and be on my own.
I'm gonna do some major soul searching in the next 24 hours and decide what I need to leave in 2011 and what I can carry over to 2012. But, one thing I know for certain is that something's got to give. And I'm the only one that can create that change in my life to be able to better myself. No one is going to put a gun to my head and force me to change. I have to be the one that wants to do that. And I'm so ready for it. Have been for years, I had just been so caught up that I didn't even realize it. I need to stop being so safe and be more out there. Life is not going to wait for me to catch up, and if I continue to drag my feet, life is going to end up passing me by and I don't want that to happen.
So, 2012 is an opportunity to come into the year, a new person, a better person. And I'm not going to waste this opportunity like I have so many years past. Because if there's one thing I've learned in 2012 is that life is short and you should never waste any opportunity to better yourself and live life because you'll never know when that day will be your last.
Time to get rid of the bad things and habits that have been plaguing you this entire year. I, for one, am trying to leave things behind me that I don't need. I'm going to try to leave behind the hurt from this year and all the insecurities that have been bothering me my entire life. I'm dedicating this year to reinventing myself and doing a major personality overhaul. There's some things that I have been holding onto that have been detrimental to my success and maturity as a person and I'm gonna let all of that go in the next 24 hours. I'm starting fresh this year. I don't want anything holding me back as I move into the next stage of my life. I'm ready for change. I'm tired of the same old stuff haunting me and following me throughout my life. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And the final semester of my senior year is the perfect time to get rid of it all. I can't have that kind of stuff with me as I get ready to head off to college and be on my own.
I'm gonna do some major soul searching in the next 24 hours and decide what I need to leave in 2011 and what I can carry over to 2012. But, one thing I know for certain is that something's got to give. And I'm the only one that can create that change in my life to be able to better myself. No one is going to put a gun to my head and force me to change. I have to be the one that wants to do that. And I'm so ready for it. Have been for years, I had just been so caught up that I didn't even realize it. I need to stop being so safe and be more out there. Life is not going to wait for me to catch up, and if I continue to drag my feet, life is going to end up passing me by and I don't want that to happen.
So, 2012 is an opportunity to come into the year, a new person, a better person. And I'm not going to waste this opportunity like I have so many years past. Because if there's one thing I've learned in 2012 is that life is short and you should never waste any opportunity to better yourself and live life because you'll never know when that day will be your last.
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