Coming Back Stronger

Ok, so I've been away for a good minute. But, that's because school was kicking my butt forwards and backwards. In that span of time, I finished my first semester of college, and 2012 has come and gone. It's 2013. Geez, time goes by so fast. This year I will be turning 19 years old. It seems like yesterday I was just starting high school (thank God that's over). Now I'm on my way to becoming a full-fledged adult. Not even gonna lie, its a little scary. But I think I can handle it.

2012 was an up and down year for me, but I think I came out as a better person on the other side because of it. It's a new year, and I know people like to make resolutions and promises they never keep, but I do have a resolution for the new year. It's a simple one. I really just want to try to be a better person. A better sister, a better daughter, a better friend, a better student. That's it. Nothing else.

I'd like to think that because of all the adversity of 2012, 2013 is just gonna be that year for me to bounce back and get my self together. Coming back stronger than ever. It's true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And I can handle whatever life throws at me just as long as I never give up. Sometimes you just gotta weather the storm so you can see the rainbow on the other side. In other words, sometimes you gotta go through some stuff in order to get to the good stuff in life.

Everything happens for a reason.

I struggle with that one sentence so much. Sometimes, things happen and you're just wondering why, but everything happens for a reason even if you don't understand the reason. You may never know why, just know that that thing that happened had to happen. It's what I tell myself when things are rough. You just gotta get through it. And when it's all said and done, you'll be a stronger person after it all. Trust me, I know this.

I'm pissed...

I need to go off on a personal tangent right quick. You ever felt like people just do not listen to you? Like the louder you yell, the less they listen? Well, that's how I feel every f***ing day. No one likes to listen to me and you know what? I am f***ing tired of being ignored. I'm tired of people brushing me off like it's nothing. I have something to say and damn it, you're gonna listen! I'm a chill kind of person and things don't get to me very often. I can often think things through with a level head and not get too upset about it.

That being said, I have a few hot buttons. I can go from 0 to 100 if those hot buttons are pressed. Like this whole, 'You're a bum. You don't do a damn thing around here. Stop being a bum.' thing. That gets me so hot, so quick. Like I'm the one that does the most around here. I can't say that though. If I do, I just get some sort of sarcastic response. Like 'Yeah, you do. The minimum, but you do.' OH REALLY?! The minimum. The f***ing minimum?! So after all of the things that I do and everything I go through on a daily basis trying to make other people happy even if I may not have gotten time for little ol' me who doesn't really ask for much and tries her hardest to make sure everybody else is okay and everything is done around here, you're telling me that after all that, I'm still unappreciated? Well, okay. At least I know for sure now.

You know, awhile ago, I was really excited about the prospect of me moving out in about a year or so, because now I get to experience life on my own and see what the real world is like and all that jazz. But now? Now I just want to prove a f***ing point. That without me, everything else is going to hell in a basket. I know, I know. That's a little bit petty. But don't I deserve the right to be petty every once in a while? I think I do. Especially after all the shit I've been through. I think I do.

Anyway, I just had to get that off of my chest. I feel much better now. :)

Over and Over

So, yesterday, I dedicated the entire day to Three Days Grace. I listened to all of the albums in their entirety, and I watched some live shows on YouTube and just generally enjoyed the awesomeness that is Three Days Grace. I was listening to One-X and I had gotten to Over and Over and I realized just how much that song meant to me, and my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm thinking to myself, 'Oh my god. That is so me. This song is me.' I almost wanted to cry.

See, there was this guy that I really, really liked in high school and the feelings, to put it mildly, were unrequited. And despite knowing that it would never happen, I could not make the feelings go away. 

Over and over, over and over, I fall for you.

It sucked, for lack of a better word. I wanted to move on with my life but it felt as if I was stuck in an endless loop of heartbreak and I couldn't get out of it. I tried to push the feelings away, but every time I thought I'd gotten rid of them, they'd return with a vengeance. Why me?

So here I go again, chasing you down again, why do I do this?

I couldn't for the life of me understand why my heart wouldn't just disappear so I could go on with my life. I was miserable, and I was tired of it, but as I always say, the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't do anything about it.

I know what's best for me, but I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time.

I knew that eventually I had to give up on this if I ever wanted to be happy but I just could not help myself. You know how when you see that person you want more than anything, nothing else really matters? You just want them and nothing else? Yeah, that was me back then.

I love and hate this song all at the same time. I love it because, well, it's freaking awesome and it means something and is filled with all kinds of emotion and I love it. I hate it because I do not like thinking about that time in my life and this song sends me on a one-way trip back to then. I almost want to cry.

Over and over, over and over, you make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over, you don't even try to

Link to the song:

Welcome to Grown Up Life

Well, it's Wednesday, and I have been a college student for three days. So far, it hasn't been that bad, and I really enjoy my new school. I'm proud of myself because not once in the time I've been here have I gotten lost. *pats self on back* Anyway, all of my classes are cool and it's not like a billion and one people in there. I have room to breathe, thank God. I had always dreamed of this day, when I would be done with high school and be in college and most importantly, grown. I was ready to be done with high school and ready to be a self sufficient adult.

Well, I've got news for you. Being an adult sucks. Seriously, being grown is one of the most overhyped, overrated things in life. (High school is the second most overhyped.) You may think it's all great and you get to do whatever you want to because you're grown now and no one can tell you what to do. Well, you can't. You still have rules to follow just like when you were a kid. If you're in school, you've got homework to do and notes to take and papers to write and things like that. Not to mention constant worrying about the loans you've taken and will take to pay your tuition so you can make something of your life. So, besides the 'right now' things you've got to worry about, when you're done with school, immediately you have to find a job so you can pay the government back. So, even before you're a fully grown adult, you're already in debt. Yeah, you're grown, alright.

Even if you're not in school, you still have stuff to worry about. So, if you're one of the ones watching all your friends going off to college, and laughing at them because you don't have any loans, ha, ha, I've got news for you too. Being grown is not going to be a cake walk for you just because you're not in school. In fact, your life may be harder because you didn't go to school. Have fun finding a job with only a high school diploma. I'm just saying. Just because you're not in debt like the rest of us doesn't mean it's going to be easy for you.

I'm just going to assume you're going to want to move out of your parent's place. (There's where that job thing comes in again.) You're going to want an apartment and all that. So, then, you're going to have to deal with the evil known as rent. Have fun with that, by the way.

So, yeah, being an adult is not all that it's cracked up to be. You've got more stuff to deal with now than you ever did as a child. There are some perks, but there are some major downsides too. Adulthood is not just, 'I'm grown, so I'm just going to do whatever without any regard to anyone else'. That's not what it's about. Being an adult is about making grown up decisions and choosing grown up things. Like not skipping class. (GO TO CLASS!) Some people already know this, and some will learn it the hard way. But, if there's one thing that I know for sure, it's this....

Being an adult is overrated.

It Finally Hit Me...

So, I'm laying here in my bed trying to go to sleep cuz it's one am and really I should have been sleep two hours ago. But I can't cuz I'm just laying here listening to my iPod and thinking and reminiscing about high school. And while thinking, I realize something. I have something like a mini-epiphany about exactly why high school was just a little bit more difficult than it needed to be for me.

I didn't know exactly who I was in high school.

That's right. I had no freaking idea who the heck I was. And also, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. And again, that's because when I looked into the mirror everyday, I didn't know who the person was that was staring back at me. After four long years of a lot of heartache and homework, I finally know who I am and can now say that I am completely comfortable with who I am and what I am.
Freshman year, I was as awkward as you could possibly expect. I was adjusting, and I think I did pretty well the first year. It was still kinda confusing, and I was kinda (a lot) shy some. I didn't speak up and I definitely didn't talk to people I didn't know. That was just not who I was, or at the very least that's not who I thought I was. I was a dedicated student who didn't do anything outside of classwork and homework. Making friends was not part of the agenda. I mean it was nice sure, but I thought that I'd just be a loner, I was better off that way anyway.

Turns out, I was a slacker just like everybody else. Dedicated, quiet, shy student was not me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still kind of shy in certain situations, but now I'm more willing to speak my mind and make myself known.

Sophomore year, I don't even know. I guess I was starting to fit in and everything was looking better for me. I still was quiet and people sometimes didn't realize I was in the room, but I thought I liked it that way. I was a 'people watcher'. Which is just a fancy way of saying I was kinda lonely but didn't want to admit it. I tried harder to make myself known (didn't work), but I felt like I was getting the hang of this thing though. I call sophomore year my awkward growth phase, because that was the year when I was really starting to grow and maybe starting to figure out who I was.

Junior year. Oh, junior year. That was a rough time for me, school wise, and in my personal life. That year I got thrown for a loop and I found myself questioning everything. So by second semester I found that I just didn't give a crap anymore. About anything. School, family, friends. Nothing. Nothing mattered. I found myself staring into a giant brick wall of apathy and I didn't want to do a thing about it. But, 'I-don't-give-a-crap-screw-you-screw-this' rebel was not me either.

I actually didn't figure it out until second semester of senior year. Of course, I hadn't realized I had finally figured it out, but that's beside the point. Do you know how I know I figured it out then? Because for the first time in three in a half years of high school, I. WAS. HAPPY. I was happy. I liked coming to school. I liked being in class. I liked school. It was part of the things that made me happy.

Anyways, now that I've graduated and am getting ready for college, I can finally tell you who I am.
My name is Rakeria, I like really loud, heavy rock music (along with hip hop/rnb), I like to write short stories, reading makes me happy, sometimes I do actually like math and science, I can be shy sometimes, I love to laugh and be retarded, sometimes I don't like being quiet all of the time, and I actually am really loud sometimes, and most of all, I am finally comfortable with all of the above. And that's all that matters.

Here I Come, World!!

So, it finally happened. I graduated high school. I am a high school graduate. Let that sink in for a moment. Wow. It feels like yesterday I was that awkward freshman girl, and now I have graduated high school. Huh. Time goes by so fast.

Anyways, now it's the summer and so far, things have been pretty chill for me. Just been relaxing and stuff, while trying to get my shit together for college. Which I am so excited for, by the way. First day of class is August 20. You'd think I'd be nervous, right? Nope. All there is is excitement. I'm ready for this. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to start. For the first time in like ever, I find myself wishing that summer would be over already. (Crazy, right?) I want to get there and I want to start so I can do something with my life. I'm about to be a college student. I'm ready for life and everything it has to offer.

The world better be ready for me. Because now that I've finally figured out who I am and where I want to go  in life and what I want to do, you best believe I'm not gonna let anything stop me from doing that and being the person I wanna be. So, here I come, world! I hope you're ready.

Interracial Couples

So, we're in anatomy and we're talking about interracial couples and if your parents would have a problem with it. One thing you should know about me is that I. Don't. Discriminate. Seriously. I will date someone of any race. Period. It's really stupid to discriminate against one race because 1) it limits your options. Why would you    EVER do such a thing? 2) Its a very narrow minded thing and it screams that you're still living in the past.

I just feel like you should try to find someone who makes you happy, no matter what race they are. Heh, I kept telling my mama that I was gonna marry a white guy (I still do wanna marry one. Don't care what anybody says). But, despite my favoritism towards white guys, I still like guys of other races. I'm not gonna date just white guys and hope to find the right one. I'm gonna date a plethora of guys and the one I like the best, hey, we'll see what happens.

Some people don't like it and to those people I say, Eff you! Quite frankly, your opinion doesn't count and you're just angry that you can't find anyone and bitter about your lack of a love life. So there. If you don't like it, you can take your close minded opinion and shove it up your ass. Here's a memo if you haven't gotten it yet: This is not the 60s anymore, it's 2012. Get with the program.

Freshman Me Was An IDIOT!

I was sitting here, going back and reading some of my old posts here on this lovely blog. And I realize several things:

1. Freshman Me really was an idiot.
A shy, clueless idiot. Yup. That was me. If Freshman Me knew then what Senior Me knows now, my high school life could have been completely different. Like if a certain incident on 300 hall never happened, I probably could have kept a close friend close. When I look back over that one, singular moment, I wish Senior Me would've ran in right then and told Freshman Me that the whole idea behind it was really, really, really stupid. Like stupid with a capital S. Like why would I even consider such a thing now? Oh right, I wouldn't because that'd be stupid. Why did I even let her talk me into doing that? Oh yeah, cuz Freshman Me was an idiot.

 2. Up until the end of 2011, I was an emotional, sappy ass kid.
*sigh* There's no way I can really explain this without embarrassing myself. But, dang, those times were hard. For me, at least. But even then, could have been completely avoidable. If only at that time I was less fragile like I am now. I was back then, for lack of a better term, a punk ass bitch. So many things got under my skin back then. And I was still growing into myself, and still had a LOT of insecurities to deal with. Plus there was that other thing (see old emotional ass posts for clarification) that I was dealing with that was ALSO completely avoidable now that I think about it. I was just such a sap. Really. Glad I grew out of that (for the most part).

3. Senior Me knows better now.
In the past year and a half, I've learned a LOT. And I've grown. A lot. As a friend, as a student, as a person. If senior year hadn't happened like it happened, I promise you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. If I hadn't gotten out of magnet, I guarantee you I'd still be that emotional, shy, stressed idiot. The people that I've been around this year have helped bring out part of my true personality that I don't show to many people (and that magnet tried to stuff away). Not the shy, quiet, dedicated student, but the loud, outgoing, happy person. The one that loves to laugh and just generally act retarded. That one. It's been a good year so far, and if it hadn't happened like it did you'd probably be looking at a different person right now.

Life

Life is hard sometimes

It hurts, it throws you for a loop

It twists and turns, spins and whirls

You never know what's going to happen

Life is fun sometimes, though

It's happy and carefree and lively

Basking in the joy that it brings

There's so many different facets of life

From one thing to the next, it's always something new

Expect the unexpected, it's a motto for life

And life has lessons to learn sometimes

The things life throws at us makes us better people

Help shape the people we become

Life has so many things in it

Joy, sorrow, pain, laughter

It's all apart of life

They say life is the biggest game you'll ever play

And if you win, the reward is great

My advice to you is to just keep playing

Survive the hardships, play your game right

Never forfeit the game

And you'll never regret it

Because life is rewarding sometimes

Change

I have come to realize something about myself. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I don't like change. At all. Even if it's the slightest change, I find myself resisting it. I just do not like changes. Now, I'm about to go through one of the biggest changes in my life. I'm about to graduate high school. Everything is about to change. Drastically. I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I won't see the same people everyday and there's a good chance that I won't be at the same school as most of my friends. I'm probably gonna end up alone and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm excited at the same time. I'm ready to go out there and do things with my life. To do that though, I'm gonna have to get over my irrational fear of things changing and moving forward. To progress in life we have to change anyway right? So I don't understand what it is about me that resists change so much. Is it because I like things the way they are? I don't want to have to start over from the beginning. But as much as I resist and shy away from change, I understand that it is necessary. Necessary for us so we don't become stagnant and stale.

*sigh* Going away to college is probably going to be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Because it'll involve some of the biggest changes of my life if I want to be successful. I can change, it's just going to be hard. At some point, I have to realize that this year is going to be the last time I'm going to see some of the people at my school. I'm gonna miss some people and who knows? Maybe I still see some familiar faces in college too. We won't know until we get there. Despite all my misgivings about change and college and all that, I'm excited. It's a kind of nervous, anxious excitement that probably won't subside until I finally walk across that stage, get my diploma, and actually start college. I actually can't wait. But that's months from now. (Actually not a long time from now.) And besides, I have other, more pressing issues to deal with. Like prom. That's only like a month and a half away from now. I so can't wait for that. (It's at the OMNI.) These last couple of months are gonna be so exciting.

OMG, It's 2012!

There is only one day left in 2011. Think about that. Let it really sink in. That means in about 24-ish hours, it will be 2012. That means that I will be that much closer to graduation and starting a new life as a young adult. And it also means a whole new year to do things right and not to screw this year up. A time for renewal and reinventing yourself and trying to become a better person. It's time to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Time to let go of things that have been holding us back in 2011 and be free and liberated in 2012.

Time to get rid of the bad things and habits that have been plaguing you this entire year. I, for one, am trying to leave things behind me that I don't need. I'm going to try to leave behind the hurt from this year and all the insecurities that have been bothering me my entire life. I'm dedicating this year to reinventing myself and doing a major personality overhaul. There's some things that I have been holding onto that have been detrimental to my success and maturity as a person and I'm gonna let all of that go in the next 24 hours. I'm starting fresh this year. I don't want anything holding me back as I move into the next stage of my life. I'm ready for change. I'm tired of the same old stuff haunting me and following me throughout my life. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And the final semester of my senior year is the perfect time to get rid of it all. I can't have that kind of stuff with me as I get ready to head off to college and be on my own.

I'm gonna do some major soul searching in the next 24 hours and decide what I need to leave in 2011 and what I can carry over to 2012. But, one thing I know for certain is that something's got to give. And I'm the only one that can create that change in my life to be able to better myself. No one is going to put a gun to my head and force me to change. I have to be the one that wants to do that. And I'm so ready for it. Have been for years, I had just been so caught up that I didn't even realize it. I need to stop being so safe and be more out there. Life is not going to wait for me to catch up, and if I continue to drag my feet, life is going to end up passing me by and I don't want that to happen.

So, 2012 is an opportunity to come into the year, a new person, a better person. And I'm not going to waste this opportunity like I have so many years past. Because if there's one thing I've learned in 2012 is that life is short and you should never waste any opportunity to better yourself and live life because you'll never know when that day will be your last.

ITS CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

Its that time of the year again. That oh so stressful, but great time of year for family, presents, and all around good times. What time is that, you ask? Christmas time, of course! Its the time that people love and hate all at the same time. For the school kids, Christmas means semester finals, and the stress that goes along with them. But it also means christmas break. Two weeks of no school and lots of new things. A time most of us have been waiting for since August. For parents it means lots of stress buying presents and being stuck with their kids for two weeks but also means joy when they see their kids faces when they find out they got the thing they've wanted the most for Christmas. For everybody, Christmas (or whatever holiday you happen to celebrate) is a great time to make more family memories and have lots of fun.

This year for Christmas I will be taking a trip to my home state of Louisiana. I'm excited to go because I havent seen my family in forever. It's going to be so fun. We're going to take our presents and everything. And there's a slight, slight chance we might even go to New Orleans to watch the Saints game! I've always wanted to go to one, I've just never had the chance. So, yeah, that would be amazing. Its gonna be so great seeing my family again, and eating all the food too. (My auntie makes the BEST cakes and pies ever.) I can't wait.

And also around this time, most people are preparing themselves for new years. We're only about two weeks away from 2012. Wow, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast. I'm that much closer to graduation. This first semester kinda just blew by me. I can't wait to be in college. I know that then I have to be responsible for myself, but I'm excited. Really excited.

Hope everyone has a fantastic break!

Happy Holidays!!! :D

Imperfections

The other day I was just thinkin about some stuff. Random stuff, really. And I just thought about how all the time I say that a whole buncha things are wrong with me, and if only I could do this better, or if I looked a little better blah blah blah,etc. etc. etc. And then I realized I wasnt meant to be perfect and that even if I was, perfection would be so boring, because there'd be nothing about me that was interesting. It would just be the same old stuff, every single day.Blah. Anyways, I decided that I would not be the person I am without my flaws and so I wrote a poem about it, and I basically come to grips with all of the flaws that I have. 17 years in the making. Took me this long to realize that our flaws and imperfections make us the people we are today, and for some that may be bad, but for me it's actually okay.

Imperfections

Nobody's perfect, that's what they say

But, sometimes, I feel that nothing's perfect about me

Imperfect

But, then, I'm amazed by my flaws

Happy that I'm not perfect

Perfection, what is it?

What does it look like?

Does anybody really know?

It's a question I ask myself everyday

But, then, I look in the mirror

And I'm in love with what I see

Who needs perfection when perfection is boring?

I'm imperfect

Perfectly imperfect

Absolutely in love with me

I love me, flaws and all

Everything about me is beautiful

My flaws are exceptional

My imperfections are wonderful

Why do I need perfection...?

When everything I need...Everything I want

is found in myself

and my imperfections.

<3

Things I've Learned in the Past Year

This last year or so has kind of been rough on me. Me and my family. But as they say, every bad experience has a lesson attached, and so through all of that, I've learned a lot. I had to go through some stuff first, but all that has helped shape and mold the person I am today and I don't want to change anything that would change the person I am.

The first lesson (and the biggest) I learned was to not take your family for granted. You never know when they could be gone. Eight months, two weeks, and two days ago, my grandmother on my mother's side passed away in a hospital. I didn't know what to do with myself. It's been almost a year since then and I still forget that she's gone, and I still wish that I could see her again. Cherish your family, you never know when things will change.

The next lesson I learneed is that you should never let people treat you less than you are. You're worth so much more than to let yourself be treated like a doormat. Stand up for yourself, and above all, respect yourself, and then others will respect you. Don't walk around school acting like a slut, and acting like some hooker on the street. You're worth more than that. And if someone refuses to respect you, and they still run all over you, you don't need them in your life. Kick them to the curb, they're not worth all the stress.

Thirdly, Relationships. Are. Complicated. Do I need to elaborate further? It's simple, relationships are complicated. You have to deal with all these emotions and you find yourself in a place where you just don't know what to do anymore and you're just...Stuck. How are you gonna get yourself outta this mess? It's not like you don't want to be clear of everything, it's just that more and more things just keep getting added on and added on until the pile of emotional baggage is so high you can't even see the road to get out of the emotional traffic jam you're in. What are you gonna do? You don't know anymore, everyone else is confused, and you just want to jump off a bridge to ease all of the emotional confusion that is going on in your life right now. It's getting bad, and all you want now is simplicity and for everything to just go away. So, therefore, relationships are complicated.

The fourth thing I learned this year is that things always happen for a reason. You may not understand what that reason is right now, but things always happen for a reason. It may be awhile before you understand why that thing had to happen, but it needed to happen. Sometimes, its so hard for us to understand why things happen, but if you just let things happen, you'll figure out why that thing had to happen. And the things that you want to happen may not happen the way you want them, but if you just wait for it, I guarantee that something better will come for you.

I also learned that change is hard. They say that change is always good, that it'll help you, and you should accept change. But I learned that that is so hard to do. I reject change for the most part. I hate when things change. I know that things must change in order for us to progress, but I hate when things change. It bothers me. Eventually, I accept that things have changed and I must change with it, but for the most part, it is difficult. I have a hard time wrapping my head around change. Eventually, I get it. Especially when things change for the worst. That's when I really hate change and I ask myself, 'Why do things have to change so much?' We're good just the way we are. But I realize without change, we would get absolutely nowhere. So I've learned to accept change and go with the flow instead of resisting it.

Over It (And just now realizing it) Otherwise known as Moving On

So...I liked this guy for awhile right. We had been friends since the ninth grade. I had been dealing with some unrequited feelings for quite some time. Little did I know, my heart had already begun to heal. I was so caught up in what I was feeling that I didn't know that I was slowly but surely starting to move on. He is not the only thing I think of anymore, not the only one that appeals to me anymore. I know that I fell kinda hard, kinda fast, but I'm learning to let go. I'm moving on. I know that some part of me wants to hold on to him, but the rest of me is ready to let go of it. For the past two years, I've been living in this fantasy world, thinking that everything would work out. I have no idea why I thought that, but I did. I guess I was trying to see the positive in the situation. But anyways, I'm moving on now. You may say, 'How can you be moving on? You've liked him for SO long.' Sometimes it doesn't take all that angst you see in the movies to move on. Sometimes it's as simple as that. I'm done now I'm moving on.

Sometimes we're so caught up in the past and what could have been that we don't see what's ahead of us. We're stuck and we're no longer moving forward and while you're living your past over and over again, the rest of life is moving forward. I know I have a future somewhere. I don't know what I'll be doing, or where I'll be living, but I do know that wherever I am, I will be happy and I'll be successful. I've learned a lot over these  last two years, and I know that things don't always work out for the best and sometimes you have to let go and move on. Somewhere, in this experience, is a lesson to be learned here. (When I know what it is, I'll let you know.)

I'm ready to move on. I'm excited about the prospect of moving on. I'm gonna be 17 soon and it's time I stopped acting like I'm a 12 year old schoolgirl. I'm growing up, and I need to start acting like it. Because, in only one year after that, I'm going to be 18 and in college, and I'm gonna meet guys and I'm gonna end up liking some and I don't want to have to go through this again. Sometimes, you just gotta be strong and not let your emotions rule everything you do. I admit, I'm guilty of doing that a lot. I think with my heart instead of my head and sometimes that gets me into situations (like this one), and I don't want that to keep happening to me. I know better now, though. I can't simply be ruled by my emotions. I have to think with both my heart and my head and use common sense and life will be just a tad bit easier.

I'd like to think that sometimes I feel too much. I am able to feel an emotion so thoroughly and completely and I think that might be my problem. I just feel too much. I've tried to separate myself from my emotions and it never works. I really just want to not feel so much. Maybe, if I didn't feel so hard and so completely, my heart won't be so vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. Me personally, I like being strong and independent. Able to stand on my own, so that way, if I ever get my heart broken, I can take it. I don't have to be like all those girls you see on the movies.

Heh. Anyways, that's all for my ranting for now.

The Friend Zone

A girl likes a boy. She thinks he's cute and wants to be with him. They talk for awhile. He says he thinks she's cute. The next time they talk he says he considers her to be a little sister. *STOP* *PAUSE* This is cause for trouble. This means the girl has OFFICIALLY entered what we like to call the (dun dun dun..!) Friend Zone. Nobody likes to be in the friend zone. It's not a good feeling. Unless you want to be in the friend zone with somebody, it's not a good thing. And once you've entered the friend zone, it is really hard to exit it. Because now, to him, you're "one of the guys." Do you really wanna be considered one of the guys? No? I didn't think so. Being in the friend zone can be good for your relationship and it can be bad. (Most of the time it's bad, though.) Like once you've entered it, you realize, 'Hey. I actually like this guy.' and you work to get yourself out of the dreaded friend zone. It works and y'all live happily ever after. Then, there are the people that intentionally put themselves in the friend zone knowing that they like the guy themselves. Saying, 'There's no way he could like me.' Blah, blah, blah. That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard of. They go and try to fix the guy up with somebody, and be all supportive and friendly like. Stupid. You know you want the guy, go get him. Stop trying to be a friend and be something more. Turn the seduction up, do something! Get yourself out of the friend zone, and get out ASAP! Before you find yourself living alone with 50 cats and you watch the man of your dreams be happy with your best friend because your dumb self decided to fix them up. You could of had that guy. Now, you're that crazy cat lady y'all used to make fun of in high school. How's that feel? Now, rewind. You're back in high school. You like this guy, but this time, you go after him. You fight for what you've deemed as yours. Now you're the successful model or whatever it is that you want to do, and you've got this gorgeous guy on your arm, and you're just living life like it's supposed to be lived. You're happy, happily taken, and on your way to having a fabulous life. All because you decided you wanted to stop living in the friend zone, take a risk, and go after what you wanted.
Moral of the story: DON'T LET YOURSELF GET IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!
Thanks and peace out. :)

MY TURN!!!!!!!

Okay, so two of my friends have already done this, so of course, I just HAD to. A list of guys who, in my opinion, could get it ASAP!!

10. Benjamin McKenzie
Ok, so most people don't know (or remember) who this is, but this is Ryan from the O.C, and he is freakin SEXY!!! He most definitely can get it.


















9. Chris Brown
Self-explanatory....If you don't see why, then you're blind, deaf, and have no pulse.

8. Ne-Yo
I absolutely LOVE Ne-Yo!!!! His smile is gorgeous and has sooo much swag it's ridiculous. Love him, he's great, and can SERIOUSLY get it ASAP.

7. T.I.
I've always loved T.I. I think he's the best thing since sliced bread, and to top it off, he's a gorgeous guy. What else could you want??

6. Tyrese
This man is a sexy piece of chocolate right here. (Black men, pay attention, this is an example of what success is.) A good guy too, so hey...I ain't complainin.

5. Bruno Mars
Everybody knows how I feel about Bruno Mars, so no need for explanation here.

4. Bradley Cooper
I am obsessed with this guy!! He is soooo gorgeous, and hilarious! (if you don't know what I mean, watch The Hangover.) Most DEFINITELY can have it.

3. Eminem
I just love Em. He's one of my favorite rappers EVER. There's nobody like him. (Or crazier than him, either.) And he's hilarious. So funny. So, yes, Em can get it too.

2. Matt Bomer

If you've never watched USA's White Collar, then you have no idea who this is. But, he is one of the SEXIEST guys I have ever laid my eyes on. Eyes are gorgeous, and he's got a serious body. ABSOLUTELY.

And, finally, my number one guy who can MOST DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, can get it, is.........................................................................................................................................

1. Jake Gyllenhaal

This guy is SUPER SEXY!!!! He could get it any day of the week any moment of any hour. If I was doing somethin and he said let's go...Droppin everything and I'd beat him to the bedroom. He's just that sexy.

Of Time and Tattoos

Haven't blogged in awhile, but I decided, hey, I've got nothing to do today, and I've got some things to say, so why not? So, it's April and school is coming to a close with prom and all that jazz, and then after that, I'm gonna be a senior. A SENIOR!!! Omg has time really gone by that fast? I still remember being in 9th grade (and hating it) and being all young and junk. My big sister still went to school with me, and I was shy and awkward and just overall hesitant. Fast forward two and a half years, and you've got the me of today. Wow. I have changed. Like for real. Physically and mentally. I've most definitely matured since then. And, now I look my age. Got a haircut and now I look like I'm actually 16 instead of like 12. Emotionally, I can say I'm better at not keeping things bottled up, and am now more willing to express my opinions. I refuse to let people walk all over me now, and I'm more independent. Don't have to depend on anyone else or follow anyone else. Anyways, I'm glad the school year is ending, and I can't wait for senior year, to see what that holds for me. See what kinds of trouble I get into then. (Lol.) After that, I will officially be considered an adult. THEN I CAN GET MY TATTOO!! Yeah, I want one. I know exactly what it's gonna look like, too. (Cross with a rose wrapped around it, with some of the leaves falling off.) Speaking of which, I'm gonna post a pic of something like what I want the cross to look like because I want a certain type of cross.   Can't wait till I'm in college. I know it's gonna be a piece of cake because of what I went through in high school (not even gonna go there) and then I will get to PAAAARRTYY! Yeah, I can't wait. Gonna be fabulous. Meeting new people and meeting new boys (wink) and just having a good time, while still managing to keep good grades. So fun. So fun. But, really though, have I gotten this old this fast? I still can't believe it. Feels surreal almost. I mean, by this time next year, it will be my turn to walk up that stage and grab my diploma, no matter if it's magnet or not. Doesn't matter to me. I dnt care about those people. They don't matter. Anyways, not to get off subject, senior year is gonna be so extremely fun. Gonna have my friends, gonna have fun, gonna just be me. Stop sweating the little things, and just enjoy life. That's my new motto. (That and "Screw it! I'm not doing this ish!") Time for me to do me.

Maybe a cross that looks something like this, but in a tattoo form, and just imagine the rose wrapped around it.

Never Alone

I went to bed, I was thinking about you
I wondered if you were okay now
Now that you're in a better place
No more hurting, no more sorrow
All you can feel is joy, peace, love
I always wanted that for you
Now you can have it
Although there is pain from your departure
I can still feel your love, radiating from the heavens
Wrapping me in it's warm embrace, caressing me with the slightest touch of a feather
I know that you are watching me, loving me, guiding me
Your physical body may be gone, but your spirit still lives
I can feel it on the wind, I can feel it when the sun shines brightly on my face
I smile, because I know it's you, letting me know that you're still there
Still there to love me, to care for me
I'll miss you, I know this to be true
Because I can feel the pain of losing you
But I know that you're okay now
I feel that you're okay now
Because I can feel your smile on the sun's rays
Hear your laughter whisper in the wind
We've got to let you go now, but we'll see you again
In that place where everything is golden and beautiful
And I know that you'll be waiting, ready to wrap me in your loving embrace
And, then, we'll have eternal happiness, you and I.
Together, forever.

Dedicated to my wonderful Grandmother

Thelma Britten

1945-2011

I miss you so much!!!

                                                

Inspired by this wonderful song

Bittersweet Memories

So, I've recently found a new song. It's called Bittersweet Memories and it's by a band called Bullet for My Valentine. The first time I heard this song, I fell in love with it. Mostly because it represented my situation greatly, and it hit close to home. I felt like I was singing the song (even though I can't sing. AT ALL). I felt the emotions, and it reminded me of the relationship (or lack thereof) between me and this guy I like. I'm a junior in high school, and so is he. We've been friends since the ninth grade, and I've liked him since the second semester of freshmen year. We've only got one year left, and then I'll probably never see him again. Just the thought of it makes me really sad. That's why I say this song is reminiscent of our (my) situation. He sings of being left with only bittersweet memories. And after graduation next year, that's all I'll be left with. Memories of me and him and our friends hanging out and having fun in AP Biology, Literature, and US History. They'll be particularly bittersweet because they are all happy memories that make me smile, but then I'll get kinda sad because I'll remember how much I liked him, and how much I wanted to be with him. And I'll remember ninth grade, when we were the closest. In first period lit class, we sat directly across from each other, and we would always talk about stuff, and he'd give me gum. This was the first time I was introduced to the wonderfulness that is 5 Gum. On a less sappy note, that was the best thing that EVER happened to me. Introducing me to 5 Gum was the start of a wonderful, lovely gum addiction. I haven't stopped chewing that gum since. In fact, I bought a three pack the other day, and all three packs were GONE in like a week. (Sad...) Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled sappiness...I'm gonna miss him so much when we graduate. And when I look back over my high school years when I'm older and married and have kids and all that, I know I'm gonna remember him. I know I'm gonna feel very bittersweet. They'll be bittersweet memories. I'll probably think about whatifs. What if I told him how I felt? What if he liked me back?(Huuge what if there.) I'll think about the missed opportunity to tell him what I felt, and even if he didn't return the feelings, I should be happy that I got the chance to tell him. But, I know how I am. I'm so ridiculously afraid of getting hurt (again...) that I'll risk never telling him. Life isn't like the stories I read. There isn't always a happy ending. I'll admire him from afar. That's okay, because as long as I get to see him, I'm ok. As long as I get to see that beautiful face and those beautiful eyes one more time, I'm okay. I don't wanna say goodbye to him, but I know I have to. *sigh*

~Keria P.