Pain and Love Go Hand in Hand...

So...this may or may not be a cross between an angsty post (refer to the last one) and an angry tangent... but I've just got to get this off of my chest. So, I realized the other day (while on twitter, actually) that I really like this one dude that's been my friend since 9th grade. Well, in that same moment, I also realized that I could never have him. (Imagine the depressing tweets after THAT realization) And in that span of time, I realized that pain and love were almost like two halves of a whole, and one could not exist without the other. Sucks, doesn't it? Because every time I look at him, I feel my heart skip a beat and I'm pretty sure my eyes are filled with an indescribable amount of love and warmth, and then I snap back to reality, and then unbearable pain fills my chest, knowing that I can't be with him, at least not like that anyways, and sometimes, when I'm alone, I imagine what our life would be like if we did get together, and I see smiles and kisses and playfulness galore, but then reality (such a killjoy) catches up to me, and that pain (oh so familiar) is back, and I just want to scream, and go off on everything. I mean, is it fair that everyone ELSE but me gets to have their happy ending? Don't I deserve a happy ending too? And all the romantic things out there just make me depressed. I've tried, really tried, to let him go and move on with my life, but there's something about him that I can't resist. Maybe it's how adorable he looks when he's curious or confused about something, or maybe it's how his face lights up when he smiles (with perfect white teeth, may I add), or how I could just melt in his honey-colored (actually, they may be lighter than honey, like an amber or goldish color) eyes, how gorgeous they are. Never before him had I seen a shade like that. Anyways, all of that doesn't matter because it's never gonna happen. It sucks because before this, this fiasco, I had never met anyone who made me feel like this (who made me feel at all really), and I'm really sad (and sorta ticked off) that I can't have him. It's like getting a chocolate cake, but wait, you're allergic to chocolate.....WTF???? I mean how many years had I been waiting for someone to make me feel even REMOTELY close to what I feel for him, and now that I feel this way, you're telling me I can't have him. -__-' THIS MAKES ME SO ANNNGRRY!!!! I mean, how much more of this can I really take? (Not much more, if I'm honest with myself) My heart hurt, is still hurting, at the thought that I may never experience the wonders of love. I'm a hopeless romantic, and I love the thought that someone loves me enough to share their life with me, and promise themselves to me for the rest of their lives. I'd give anything if only to experience a fragment of what that feels like. With the way things are headed now, I'll end up dying alone with only my pet fish by my side. (A lonely, desolate future, in my opinion) So, even though, there's all these romantic feelings flowing through my being, there's also a heavy undercurrent of pain, and that's why I can honestly say that pain and love go hand in hand, without one, the other cannot exist, and others can argue against this fact, but until they've actually experienced what it feels like for themselves, then they can go somewhere, because I know better, pain is part of what love is, and no matter what you do, when you fall in love, you are destined to feel some sort of pain because of said love, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

~Keria P.