So, I kinda have some things to get off my chest. I've learned that no matter how hard I try, I'm never truly appreciated. I try and I try and it's never good enough. And I always get hurt. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And you know what, that hurts worse that realizing that I can't have the guy that I want. This pain is like a reverbating pain. Because it truly hurts me when
the people that I care about the most don't really give a crap about me. I give my everything and what do I get out of it? A broken heart and hurt feelings. Sucks. It really does. This is probably why I'm so good at writing angst stories. I live it everyday. And the worst part? NO ONE CARES. How many times can you step on someone's heart before they die? (metaphorically) I'm already halfway there, I'd estimate. How would you feel if the ones you loved the most just don't
care? Pretty hurt, I'd imagine. I just can't take anymore of this. How can you try to make the pain go away if everytime you've made progress, more hurt and pain just gets added? Sometimes I feel more angry than hurt. That's when it's the worst. When it's escalated from pain to anger, you know it's bad. I say this because I don't get truly angry often. But there are times when I just want to scream and curse and just go off, and I know this is not good. But, every now and then, it just reaches a boiling point where the hurt just becomes anger, and I can't control it. At all. I don't even know if I have the strength to endure much more of this. It feels as if the walls of my mind are closing in on me and I can't do a thing about it. Everything is too much nowadays. I can't do this. It hurts way too much. And if people realized how much it hurt
me, maybe they'd stop. They don't realize the extent of my hurt, though, in their defense. I don't talk about it much. But, they don't really give me a chance to talk though. If I even try to speak my thoughts, I get shut down almost immediately. It's ok though. Really. I don't matter anyway, right? I'm not important and no one could ever love me, because I'm hideous, and no one would ever wanna be with someone like me. But, again, it's ok. I can deal with being alone. Alone, just me. I'll always have me, if no one else. Even if no one else cares, I can always care about myself. I don't need anyone. I can be a loner. I have been for so many years, what does the rest of my life matter? But, I'll always have my friends though. They care, I can tell. They mean so much to me. My best friend was the only one to ask how I felt. She is and will always be one of my best friends. We can laugh together, talk about anything without fear of judgement, and
I love that. I don't wanna be judged. I've had enough of that. So what if I'm ugly, I can deal with that. I can deal with being alone, and I can deal with no one caring. Eventually, anyways. But, right now, it just hurts so bad. I just wanna breakdown and just cry. I haven't cried in awhile. But then, questions will be asked, and I don't wanna have to deal with that right now. Can't I cry in peace? I think I should be able to. But, alas, I cannot. You know why? Because everything I
do has to be monitored. The only thing that I can keep private are the things on my laptop. But that's appropriate, because it's mine and I can do with it as I please. But. I can't keep bottling things up like this. That's why I'm writing this. Because I'm hurting and I need an outlet. This is the only way I know how. Sorry if it offends anyone, I just want the pain to end. Treat me like I'm supposed to be treated. With respect and love and care. How am I supposed to show you the same, if you don't show me any? I feel like I'm trapped and I've got nowhere else to go. My walls are closing in. Faster and faster they fold in on me, until eventually I will have nothing left, and I will have no choice but to let the walls cave in on me, and let myself fall into the darkness. Crumple in on myself. And, the question they'll all ask themselves is, "How did this happen?" "How did we not see it?" And they'll blame themselves. It's not all their fault though. It's partly mine. I kept it inside too long. Did not express my feelings. And that's the main reason I feel like I do now. Maybe if I spoke how I felt, I wouldn't feel like this. But, they didn't have to brush my tears off as if they were nothing, like I wasn't legitimately hurt, and I was simply being overemotional. No, each tear was a representation of the growing pain. But, my tears reach blind eyes, and my sobs fall on deaf ears. I'll be fine. I've already prepared myself for the rest of my life. Where no one cares, and I only have me to rely on. But, I'm a pretty reliable person. At least I think so. When I can get out on my own, maybe I can get over this. Maybe I'll find love, and he can make me happy again. I really hope I do. I want to be in love one day. I can't see anything like that right now. Because I can't see anyone reaching out and caring enough to actually love me. Maybe, my silver lining will come one day. Cuz right now all I can see are the dark clouds, and the floods threatening to swallow me in their dangerous current. I just want to be cherished. Is that too much to ask for? Some people may think so. Because I'm worthless, and no one wants me. I'll be able to deal with that fact in time. I hurt too, can't people see that? Can't they see under all the smiles and happy faces, is a girl who just wants someone to care? I'm not always the optimist. Sometimes, I can be quite the pessimist. Can't someone ask me how I feel for a change? I'm always taking care of someone else. I want to be taken care of. I don't wanna feel this way anymore. I feel a pain in my chest everytime I think about it, really. I just want to feel special, and right now I feel like a plain old rock you can find on the ground, instead of the rare gem that everybody says that all girls are supposed to feel like. I wanna cry, to breakdown and just let it all out. Why, oh why, am I the human punching bag? I don't think I deserve that. I think I deserve to be treated just like everyone else. So why then, do people not treat me with the respect I deserve. Maybe, they feel like I don't deserve it. I can't find anything that I've done that would make them think that I don't deserve the basic respect that all human beings get. Maybe, I'll find out why I'm the one that always gets abused, maybe I'll find the reason why no one cares about me. Until then, I guess I'll deal with the pain and the hurt all on my own. And maybe, one day, I'll be truly happy, and the smiles I put on everyday will not be superficial (the ones that only last for that moment, and disappear once I'm alone), but be real ones that don't disappear even if I'm alone. Because I will be truly happy, and will have the ability to smile for real. Maybe, I won't have to write these things anymore, and I will be able to delete them because I will no longer have to reminisce over the pain I felt as an adolescent because I no longer feel pain, just happiness, pure, complete, and utter happiness. *watery smile* *strained chuckle* *sob* For now, though, it's only a faraway dream that as I get closer to it, it gets farther away from me.
