So, I'm laying here in my bed trying to go to sleep cuz it's one am and really I should have been sleep two hours ago. But I can't cuz I'm just laying here listening to my iPod and thinking and reminiscing about high school. And while thinking, I realize something. I have something like a mini-epiphany about exactly why high school was just a little bit more difficult than it needed to be for me.
I didn't know exactly who I was in high school.
That's right. I had no freaking idea who the heck I was. And also, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. And again, that's because when I looked into the mirror everyday, I didn't know who the person was that was staring back at me. After four long years of a lot of heartache and homework, I finally know who I am and can now say that I am completely comfortable with who I am and what I am.
Freshman year, I was as awkward as you could possibly expect. I was adjusting, and I think I did pretty well the first year. It was still kinda confusing, and I was kinda (a lot) shy some. I didn't speak up and I definitely didn't talk to people I didn't know. That was just not who I was, or at the very least that's not who I thought I was. I was a dedicated student who didn't do anything outside of classwork and homework. Making friends was not part of the agenda. I mean it was nice sure, but I thought that I'd just be a loner, I was better off that way anyway.
Turns out, I was a slacker just like everybody else. Dedicated, quiet, shy student was not me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still kind of shy in certain situations, but now I'm more willing to speak my mind and make myself known.
Sophomore year, I don't even know. I guess I was starting to fit in and everything was looking better for me. I still was quiet and people sometimes didn't realize I was in the room, but I thought I liked it that way. I was a 'people watcher'. Which is just a fancy way of saying I was kinda lonely but didn't want to admit it. I tried harder to make myself known (didn't work), but I felt like I was getting the hang of this thing though. I call sophomore year my awkward growth phase, because that was the year when I was really starting to grow and maybe starting to figure out who I was.
Junior year. Oh, junior year. That was a rough time for me, school wise, and in my personal life. That year I got thrown for a loop and I found myself questioning everything. So by second semester I found that I just didn't give a crap anymore. About anything. School, family, friends. Nothing. Nothing mattered. I found myself staring into a giant brick wall of apathy and I didn't want to do a thing about it. But, 'I-don't-give-a-crap-screw-you-screw-this' rebel was not me either.
I actually didn't figure it out until second semester of senior year. Of course, I hadn't realized I had finally figured it out, but that's beside the point. Do you know how I know I figured it out then? Because for the first time in three in a half years of high school, I. WAS. HAPPY. I was happy. I liked coming to school. I liked being in class. I liked school. It was part of the things that made me happy.
Anyways, now that I've graduated and am getting ready for college, I can finally tell you who I am.
My name is Rakeria, I like really loud, heavy rock music (along with hip hop/rnb), I like to write short stories, reading makes me happy, sometimes I do actually like math and science, I can be shy sometimes, I love to laugh and be retarded, sometimes I don't like being quiet all of the time, and I actually am really loud sometimes, and most of all, I am finally comfortable with all of the above. And that's all that matters.
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